Shinji vs the Zombie Terrorists
by Mister Cynical
Summary: This fic is the equivalent of a Sci-Fi Channel B-movie. That should tell you all you need to know.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Zombie Terrorists

Gendo Ikari stared at the reports on his desk and frowned. "This is all we need, eh Sensei?"

"Sarcasm aside," Kozo Fuyutsuki retorted, "this situation must be dealt with. We have no forces in the area capable of dealing with this and we cannot rely on international forces to aide us."

"Always the problem with unofficial operations," Gendo mused calmly. Kozo's eye ticked slightly at his former student's demeanor.

"Need I remind you that one of our most important assets is in danger?" he demanded of the younger man. "Lieutenant Sohryu would be almost impossible to replace."

"I know that," Gendo replied. "Curse Kyoko for only allowing that spoilt cow to pilot her." Gendo leaned his head on his steepled hands as he thought. "We do have one asset in the area." Kozo's frown deepened. That was news to him.

"Who?"

"My son." Kozo fought to keep his jaw from hitting the floor.

"You actually think that we're going to get Shinji to work for us?" he demanded. "Do you have any idea how pissed off at you that kid is?"

"He's a Rokubungi!" Gendo exclaimed. "We do not take kindly to those who sleight us. Despite that, he is still my son and will do as told."

"You're going to contact him anonymously and offer him lots and lots of cash, aren't you?" Kozo asked.

"Fuck yeah," Gendo replied. "That little bastard is dangerous!" He leaned back in his chair. "Who'd of thought that whiny little bitch would become a mercenary? I mean, that's got to be a first!" Kozo frowned as something at the edge of his mind roared to be heard.

"Doesn't this seem familiar?"

"How so?" Gendo asked.

"You know, you, me, a dangerous, militant, possibly psychotic Shinji?" Kozo pushed. "It seems like we've been here before. Know what I mean?"

"We have," Gendo stated. "Remember when Katsuragi first brought him in?"

"No, he wasn't militant back then," Kozo replied as he tried to comprehend what he was thinking. Sadly, the harder he thought, the more it eluded him. "Damn it, this is just like when you're trying to think of a song and you can't quite remember the name. This is going to drive me insane later."

"Yeah," Gendo agreed. There was something vaguely familiar about this, as well as a sense of foreboding. He casually pushed aside the second feeling. It was Shinji after all. What's the worst that could happen?

"And one more thing," Kozo began.

"Yes?"

"Maybe sending Sohryu to negotiate with our radical Islamic partners wasn't the cleverest idea you've ever come up with."

"Yeah," Gendo agreed. "In hindsight that kind of seems like one big disaster waiting to happen, doesn't it?"

(:ii:)

Shinji Ikari mumbled unintelligently and fumbled over the side of his bed for his phone. Sadly, his wandering hand reduced his beer can pyramid, the pride of last night's drunken revels, to a pile of tin. He found the phone and brought it to his head. "What?"

"It's Yuki." Shinji's muddled mind drew no conclusions and he said so.

"Yuki who?"

"I'm on my way up to your apartment," the woman stated. "I've got a job for you."

"That's nice." Shinji ended the call and dropped the phone.

"Who was that?" the woman next to him mumbled.

"No idea," Shinji replied as he snuggled back into her warmth. He was almost asleep again when his bedroom door opened. Shinji shot upright and found himself aiming a pistol at a pretty dark-haired woman in a dress suit. He stared at her owlishly for a minute. "Oh, hi Yuki." He tucked his pistol back under his pillow, ignoring his bedmate's wide eyes.

"Is that your wife?" the woman whispered.

"Her?" Shinji asked, jerking his thumb at Yuki. "I'd never marry that."

"Don't be a dick," Yuki growled. Shinji grinned at her.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I just called you!" Yuki exclaimed. Shinji frowned and tried to think back.

"You did?" Yuki sighed in exasperation.

"We've got a job," she stated. "Get your team together." Shinji stared at her contemplatively for a minute before snuggling up to the woman beside him again.

"Fuck it."

"Ten mil." Shinji glanced back at Yuki.

"Huh?"

"Ten million euros plus all expenses covered," Yuki repeated. Shinji jumped out of bed and began searching for his pants. The woman he had been sleeping with climbed out of bed as well to hunt for her clothes, but she kept the sheet draped around her like a toga.

"You two have no idea who the other is, do you?" Yuki asked. Shinji glanced at his bedmate and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Yuki sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Whatever. Get dressed and meet me at the front door."

(:ii:)

Shinji leaned back in the seat of Yuki's jeep and watched as parked planes whipped by. "This seems kind of dicey."

"It's not the first time we've gone on anonymous requests," Yuki replied. "They paid the half up front and nobody puts down that kind of money for a joke."

"I just don't like it," Shinji stated. "Who agrees to put up that kind of money without an argument? What if it's the CIA up to their old tricks?"

"If it's the CIA, I'd say the best thing you can do is simply get the hell out." The jeep slowly and Shinji climbed out. He glanced at the C-130 and pulled his duffel bag and rifle case out of the back.

"Hey Boss," a voice called in thick American English.

"Greaves," Shinji returned as he shook his partner's hand. "Anyone else here?"

"Not yet," Greaves replied. "This is my friend Captain Morgan. He'll be flying us out there." Shinji shook the smaller man's hand.

"Nice to meet you."

"Same," Morgan replied. "Here's the bill." Shinji accepted the piece of paper and handed it to Yuki. With his part said, Morgan turned and walked back up the old plane's cargo ramp. Shinji turned back to Greaves.

"C-130?"

"She may be old, but she still kicks ass. Just like she did in Vietnam."

"About fifty years before I was born." Greaves chuckled and nodded to Yuki before following his friend back up the cargo ramp. Shinji paced him. "So, who's this guy's co-pilot, Jack Daniels?"

"Huh?" Greaves asked blankly. He frowned for a moment before his face lit up. "Oh! I get it."

"Genuine rocket scientist you are," Shinji commented. "Pride of the United States school system."

"Your team," Yuki commented.

"He can shoot straight," Shinji replied with a shrug as he dropped his duffel bag and rifle case. He unzipped his case and slipped the sleek, tan suppressed Mk. 17 assault rifle out.

"What the hell is that thing?"

"This is a FN Mk. 17 Special Operations Combat Assault rifle in 7.62 Russian," Shinji stated proudly. "It'll save us a mint in ammo."

"Where the hell did you get it?" Yuki demanded. "I thought I was supposed to be told every time you guys wanted to buy something."

"You made that very clear after that incident with that Ukrainian-American arms dealer," Shinji agreed.

"Than why the hell wasn't I told you were buying these things?" Yuki demanded. "You jackasses always blow your hard-earned cash on the most ridiculous things! What was wrong with the G36KVs you had?"

"Nothing," Shinji replied.

"Than why did you buy these?"

"We didn't," Shinji replied proudly. "We stole them." Yuki's jaw closed with an audible click.

"When?"

"The last job," Shinji stated. Yuki frowned as she tried to remember the last job.

"Intercepting that American military aide shipment to Jordan?"

"That's the one," Shinji stated.

"Shinji, the Israelis wanted that shipment for themselves," Yuki replied in a surprisingly calm voice. "Didn't we agree that we were never going to piss off the Israelis?"

"The Israelis did get the shipment," Shinji stated. "We just fudged the manifest a little."

"Who on your team can write Arabic?"

"Asa."

"Asa can write Kurdish," Yuki corrected. Shinji just shrugged.

"It's all squiggly lines," he stated. "They'll never notice." Yuki sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation until a thought struck her.

"How'd you get a Jew to steal from Holy Land?"

"Wasn't easy."

(:ii:)

"So, how are you going to get Asa to get on the plane?" Yuki asked. Beside her Shinji was tying up his combat boots, having already changed into a pair of desert tiger stripe BDUs.

"I have a plan to deal with his deep-seated and completely unfounded fear of flying," he stated as he tugged up the sleeve of his brown long-sleeved T-shirt to check his watch.

"Unfounded?" Yuki repeated. "He was in a plane, a C-130 actually, that crashed. He was in a coma for a year! How is that unfounded?"

"Well, statistically, almost no one gets into two fatal plane crashes."

"That's because one fatal accident usually means they're dead."

"Details," Shinji replied. "Speak of the devil." Yuki turned and saw a small blue hatchback heading towards them. It stopped and a tall, dark-haired man climbed out. He took one look at the plane and stormed towards Shinji.

"You know there is no way in hell that I'm getting on that thing, right?" he demanded.

"Asa, my friend, calm down," Shinji replied peaceably. "I understand completely." As he spoke Greaves snuck up behind the irate Israeli and slammed the butt stock of his Mk. 17 into his skull.

"Nyargh!" Asa's knees buckled and he did a perfect three point, knees, chest, face; landing. Shinji grinned. "See? My plan is foolproof!"

"You're an idiot," Yuki stated flatly. "Even if that was a good idea, you're never going to catch him with it again."

"Of course I am," Shinji stated. "That coma made his susceptible to head injuries. That's why he got kicked out of Sayeret Matkal. This is the twelfth time we've done that to him and he never remembers."

"You're giving him a concussion!" Yuki shrieked.

"Probably," Shinji agreed. Yuki stared at him in horror for a moment, before her shock faded.

"You're a horrible, horrible person."

"Heh. I know."

(:ii:)

"I'm going to kill you all!" Shinji frowned and glanced at the man buckled, bound really, to the seat across from him. The C-130's JATO rockets kicked in and Asa's shriek nearly drowned them out as the plane suddenly lurched skyward, the century old airframe groaning ominously.

"Somebody shut him up."

"Got it," Kenny stated as he tapped Asa's skull with the butt of his pistol.

"Nyargh!" The irate Israeli fell mercifully silent as the plane leveled out. Shinji unbuckled himself and rose to his feet.

"Alright folks!" he announced. "Sorry about the early wake up call, but it beats the one I got."

"She did have nice knockers," Yuki grumbled.

"She had very nice knockers," Shinji corrected. "Anyway, pretty much all I know is that we are making bank on this job. That's why she's here. Care to explain?" Yuki sighed and rose to her feet.

"This is a rescue mission people," she stated. "Our target is being held in a former Soviet nuclear missile base in Afghanistan. You go in, get her, and bring her out."

"Anything we need to know?" Paulsen asked in his thick cockney English.

"Avoid being seen, Afghanistan has been running itself fairly well and the sudden appearance and Anglo commandos would probably be a bad thing," Yuki answered.

"Who's in the base?" Shinji asked.

"Terrorists. Shoot to kill." Shinji smiled. He liked the sound of that.

"Attention troopers," a calm voice cut in. "This is Captain Morgan speaking. We will be over the drop zone in three hours." The voice cut off and left everyone in utter silence.

"So," Paulsen began, "who's his co-pilot, Jim Bean?" There was a moment of silence.

"Oh, I get it!" Greaves announced.

"Regular Einstein," Paulsen commented.

"Your team," Yuki commented again.

"He can shoot strait," Shinji repeated.

"Did you ever have to remind him which end the bullets come out?" Yuki pressed.

"No, but we do before every mission just in case," Shinji replied. "Call it preemptive."

"Sure." Shinji shrugged and turned back to his team.

"Alright people. Break 'em out and load 'em up!" Yuki watched in awe as the nine men produced about a dozen different weapons.

"Do you guys have enough guns?"

"For now," Shinji replied as he buckled an ancient brown pistol belt around his hips and drew his pistol from its drop leg holster. "Want to get in on field work now?"

"You think I'd really go into a combat situation with you idiots?" Yuki demanded.

"We aren't that bad," Shinji argued. Yuki just pointed behind him and Shinji turned to see Kenny and Reinhardt drawing on Asa's face with a sharpie. "Oh, come on! That's funny!"

"I meant them," Yuki corrected. Shinji glanced back again and saw Greaves and Paulsen cutting the lines on Asa's parachute.

"Okay. That is a little dangerous, but he has a backup."

"What happened if the backup fails?" Yuki demanded. Shinji pondered that as he brought out his old Remington and began feeding it shells.

"Jew pancakes?" he ventured finally.

"Matza," Yuki corrected.

"That too."

(:ii:)

"Stand up!" Yuki winced as the C-130's rear cargo ramp dropped and the mercenaries climbed to their feet.

"Hey Greaves!" someone called. "It's the red cord!"

"I know that!" Greaves shot back, holding up one of his ripcords.

"The red one!" Shinji shouted over the howling wind. "That's the emergency cut off."

"Oh, right!" Yuki pinched the bridge of his nose. The red light that had filling the C-130's cargo hold was replaced by a green one and the nine men disappeared into the fading light outside. The cargo ramp rose again and the plane's cargo chief pulled off his oxygen mask.

"They were joking, right?" the man asked.

"I don't know anymore," Yuki stated. "I should have worked in the legal private sector. Sure, the money is a little less, but there are standard damn it!" She stared at the man for a moment. He was kind of cute. "I'm Yuki."

"James Beam," the man replied as he took Yuki's hand.

"James can be short for Jim, right?"

"Yeah," the man stated. "I need to go speak with Daniels." Yuki didn't even bother to ask Daniels' first name.

"Can't I just meet a nice normal man?"

(:ii:)

"Let me the fuck out of here!" Asuka roared as she pounded on her cell's door. She was pissed. Not only had they locked her up, but they had cut the lights on her. "You better start praying to your god now!" Outside her cell someone moaned. Asuka blinked in surprise. "Uh, yeah! That's right! Start praying now bitches!" Someone began to pound on her door. "Well, I'd let you in if you hadn't locked the door from the outside!" The pounding continued, but no one bothered to unlock the door. Asuka sighed and sat down on her rack. "I'm going to castrate Commander Ikari for this one."

(:ii:)

Gendo frowned and looked around his office. "Something wrong?" Kozo asked.

"Nope," Gendo replied as he opened another beer and turned back to the massive high-def T.V. mounted on the ceiling. "Maybe we should just forget about Sohryu."

"It has been more peaceful around here with her gone," Kozo commented.

"Here it is!" Gendo cried. The timer counted down and the white sphere flew across the screen before slamming into the net. "Yes!" Gendo leapt to his feet, ignoring the beer spilling everywhere. "When you walk through a. . ." His loyal reprisal of his club's anthem was rudely cut short as Kozo punched him in the face.

"Fucking kopite," the older man spat before storming out of the office.

(:ii:)

Shinji brought his canopy down and immediately cut it free and unbuckled his Mk. 17. He unfolded the rifle's stock and pulled back the charging handle. His quick scan through his night vision monocle and his rifle's light-intensifying reflex sight revealed that no one was around. "Clear," someone hissed.

"Clear," Shinji agreed. "Anyone hurt?"

"No." That was a bit of a miracle. A HAHO jump onto the foot of a mountain covered in loose rocks usually ended with at least one sprained ankle.

"Let's get these canopies weighed down," Shinji ordered. "We don't need them perfectly covered; we should be gone by daylight." He quickly shrugged off his parachute's harness and his black coveralls before piling several rocks on his canopy to keep it from blowing around. Finally Shinji pulled out a shemagh and wrapped it around his head.

Despite Yuki's fears, Shinji's team quickly secured their parachute gear and fell into a security circle while Shinji checked his GPS and map. Happy with their location, Shinji arrowed his arms downward and pointed. The team fell into a column formation in the direction Shinji wanted and began moving forward at his signal.

(:ii:)

The winding trail up the mountain was ridiculously steep and nearly impassable. Shinji really would have liked to have used it, but that would just be too obvious. At the head of the formation Greaves held up his hand and they all froze. After a few more gestures, Shinji moved up quietly to lie beside the other man. "There it is," Greaves whispered as his offered his night vision binoculars.

"Yeah," Shinji agreed as he scanned the building with the binoculars. "Looks like nobody's home." He rolled over and gestured for Kenny. The sniper rose and moved to join them. "I want you up that tower."

"Got it Boss," Kenny replied. The sniper slipped over the ridge they were hiding behind and began making his way toward the designated tower. Shinji made a few more gestures and the team climbed to their feet, dropping their assault packs as they did. They slipped over the ridge and made their way towards the largest of the small buildings clustered tightly around the capped missile silos. The first four men, first squad, stacked up on the building's door and Shinji and the other three, second squad, gave security.

First squad kicked open the door and burst into the building. A moment later Asa appear and waved them in. Shinji walked into the room and frowned. "No one's home."

"Yeah," Asa agreed. "Their security room is up here. Most of the interior cameras are down, but the exterior cameras are still running. Someone should be here." Shinji nodded in agreement.

"Found the stairwell boss," Greaves stated, "and a map." Shinji took the offered map and glanced over it quickly.

"Holding cells are at the bottom of the facility," he commented. "First squad stays here to provide security. Retrieve the packs. Second squad on me." Shinji moved to the stairwell and frowned as he glanced down the long spiral staircase. Annoyingly, the lights shut off after a few floors. "Oh, perfect."

"This top building is probably on a different electrical grid," Asa commented. "The generator room is on the bottom floor too."

"Right," Shinji grumbled as he flipped his reflex sight's magnifier to the side and turned on his infrared light. "Let's get moving folks."

"Right." Mao took point and Shinji started down after him with Paulsen and Reinhardt behind him.

(:ii:)

"Asa!"

"What?" Asa demanded. He had one hell of a headache for some reason. 'And I still can't believe I made it all the way onto the plane before passing out again. Maybe I should see a doctor.'

"You've got to see this!" Bowski stated. Asa made his way to the security rooms.

"What is it?"

"This guy," Bowski stated, pointing towards one of the few working interior cameras. It showed a man lying on the floor. "This guy hasn't moved since I started watching." The man twitched suddenly. "Oh. There he goes." The man staggered to his feet and began to shuffle. "Oh my God. . .he's so drunk. Aren't these guys Islamic extremists?"

"So?" Asa asked.

"Isn't booze illegal for Muslims?" Asa stared at him for a moment.

"Hey Jalal!"

"Yeah?" Jalal asked as he poked his head into the security room.

"You want to go get a beer after this?" Asa asked. "I'm buying."

"Fuck yeah!" Jalal cheered.

"Cool. Go make sure Greaves hasn't hurt himself."

"You mean again?" Jalal asked as he went off to find the other man.

"See?"

"Jalal's Muslim?" Bowski asked in surprise. "I thought he was Irish. I remember him telling me he was."

"That was Saint Patty's Day," Asa stated. "Everybody's Irish on Saint Patty's day."

"Oh. So, like when you stuff your face with pork at barbeque joints?" Asa's eyes bugged out slightly.

"Never mention that again." Asa glared at him and thumbed his throat mike's push-to-talk button. "Boss?" Nothing but static came back. "Boss?"

"Too much rock between us and them," Bowski stated. "They'll be fine. I don't think they're really stupid enough to assume this place is completely empty."

"Right," Asa agreed.

(:ii:)

Shinji sighed in relief as they finally hit the bottom floor. "I'm never taking elevators for granted again," Mao groaned.

"Shut up," Shinji returned simply. "Stack up." His men stacked up and Shinji tried the door knob. It turned easily in his hand. Paulsen nodded and Shinji jerked the door open. The three men sped inside and Shinji slipped into the trail position, Mk. 17 at the ready.

"Holy shit," Paulsen grunted. Shinji was forced to agree as he swept his infrared across the bodies lying across the floor.

"You know," Reinhardt began, "it normally looks like this when we're leaving, not when we're arriving."

"Yeah," Shinji agreed. He kneeled and studied the bodies. They had been rather seriously desecrated. 'Are those teeth marks?'

"What's the call boss?" Shinji dug the map out and inspected it in the light from his night vision monocle's tiny infrared LED.

"Generator room is closest," Shinji stated. He squeezed his radio's PTT. "Asa come in." There was only static. "Great. Who's up for being a runner?"

"Bollocks to that," Paulsen grunted. "My wife says I have a nice tight ass as is."

"Didn't need to know that," Shinji stated. "We're hitting the generator room. Infrared just isn't good enough and the other guys certainly have it too if they managed to get this many tangos at once. Everybody on your toes, looks like we may be dealing with some seriously sick puppies here."

"Maybe Hendricks," Mao suggested. "I hope so. He really needs to die."

"Killing the competition?" Shinji asked.

"Alls fair in love and war," Mao stated. "And God help you if it's a private war. The competition here is murder."

"Agreed," Shinji replied. "Fall in."

"Copy that boss." Shinji nodded and the other three men fell in.

(:ii:)

"A lot of drunks down there," Bowski commented.

"Yeah," Asa commented. This was really starting to worry him.

"Do you think it could be some kind of nerve agent?"

"We have sensors and masks," Asa stated. "Damn. How did we wind up with the terrorist frat boys?"

"Luck of the draw," Bowski stated. "Maybe that's where everyone else is! I betcha the rest of them are out on a terrorist panty raid!"

"How does that work in that twisted chunk of fat you call a brain?" Asa wondered.

"Well. . ."

"That was rhetorical," Asa interrupted.

"Oh."

(:ii:)

"Can anybody read Russian?" Shinji asked as he stared at the instructions printed on one of the generators.

"I speak it," Paulsen offered.

"Everybody speaks Russian," Shinji stated. "It's like a requirement for being a mercenary, same as speaking various Middle Eastern dialects." Mao stepped forward and promptly smacked one of the generators with a wrench. "What are you doing?"

"This is how we fix things in China," Mao said flatly.

"This is a Russian generator," Paulsen commented.

"Russian generator, Japanese generator, American generator. . .no difference. Everything made in China," Mao returned. Shinji began to argue, but realized the futility of it. The thin Chinaman delivered a dozen more well-placed smacks and the generators rumbled to life.

"It works," Shinji commented as he pushed his night vision monocle up and switched his reflex sight back to standard before turning off the infrared light.

"Of course it works. It was made in China."

"Right. Let's get moving folks. We have a princess to save."

"You're closer to the dragon than a knight," Paulsen commented.

"I don't breathe fire."

"Well, depending on how much dramatic license you take when describing automatic fire or even your incredibly foul mouth when surprised. . ."

"Shut up," Shinji interrupted as he stared over the map in the light. "Alright. We're heading that way."

"Roger that," Mao stated as he unsheathed his shotgun from the scabbard on his back. "I like to keep this handy. . .for close encounters."

"Sure thing Hicks," Shinji replied.

"Mao," Mao corrected.

"What'd I say?"

"Never mind." Mao racked his shotgun and pushed the door leading out of the generator room open. Shinji fell in behind him with the Mk. 17 ready. They crept silently through the base's gore-slicked hallways and found the main hall leading to the detention block. Mao stacked up on the door and Shinji moved to the doorknob. Like, apparently, all doors in the base, it was unlocked.

Paulsen nodded and Shinji threw the door open. Mao swept in and Shinji again tagged on to the end of the stack. What he saw in the other room more than justified why no one had fired as they lined up across the entrance. "What the fuck?" Mao asked.

"I don't know," Shinji replied. There were at least twenty men pawing at the door on one of the cells. "So, what do you guys think is in there?"

"Porn and booze?" Mao wondered. One of the men turned slowly and stared at them, revealing that one of his eyes had been clawed out.

"Uh. . .fire?" Shinji suggested.

"Fire," Mao agreed.

-Intermission

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Alright, this is a one-shot, but it was just too long so I broke it into two pieces to make it easier to read. Now, go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda. I really doubt anybody will get that reference, but than again. Some of you guys are my fans, so you never know.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Zombie Terrorists

Shinji shouldered his weapon, which had lowered in surprise, and put a double tap into the man who had started towards them. The twin Russian .30-caliber soft points slammed into the man's chest and sent him staggering, but amazingly he remained on his feet and even started forward again. That was when everyone else cut in. "They're not going down!"

"Dopers!"

"What the fuck are they smoking?" Shinji's Mk. 17 went dry and he snatched his Colt 10mm. He brought the heavy steel pistol up and fired. The single over-pressured 10mm Auto round hit one of the advancing men in the face. It easily blew a soft-ball sized hole out of the back of his head. He went down and didn't move.

"Head shots!" Within seconds the rest of the men were brought down. Shinji reloaded his pistol and holstered it before digging a new magazine for his Mk. 17 from one of the pouches on his chest.

"Okay, serious now," Mao stated. "What the fuck were they smoking and where can I get some?"

"Plutonian nyborg?" Paulsen ventured. "I mean, Mao blew off that one guy's arm and he kept going. It's gotta be PN or space coke."

"Why would the Afghanis have space coke?" Mao demanded. "That shit costs both arms, both legs, and both nuts. It's from space for Christ's sake. That's why its space coke."

"Well, where the hell would a bunch of Afghanis get plutonian nybrog?" Shinji asked.

"Americans are outsourcing their new recreational drugs too?" Reinhardt suggested. Shinji actually considered that one.

"Sounds reasonable." With that decided, Shinji made his way to the cell all the Afghanis had been trying to get into.

(:ii:)

Asuka winced as she heard the lock to her cell open. The door swung open and the redhead saw a single man in an Arabic style headdress and foreign-looking desert camouflage. With her latest experience with such men in mind, she did the only thing she could think to do. She swung at him. He jerked easily out of reach of her hook and than did the exact opposite and slammed his head into hers.

Luckily, he was a bit taller so when he leaned forward his forehead hit her forehead instead of her face.

(:ii:)

"You seem to get that reaction a lot from the ladies," Paulsen commented. "Well, either that or jumping into your arms."

"Yeah I do," Shinji agreed. "Shit. I hope I didn't killer her. Somebody get Asa and tell him to bring first squad down here."

"Radios are out Boss," Mao stated. "And nobody here is going to run their ass up those stairs, hard enough coming down."

"Than start screaming," Shinji ordered as he unbuckled his med pouch and began digging through its contents. Sadly, he couldn't find the book he was looking for. "Has anybody seen my copy of 'Battlefield Injuries for Complete Dumb Asses'?"

(:ii:)

"Start screaming my ass," Reinhardt grumbled as he made his way towards the stairwell. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present another half-assed idea from the land of the rising sun. The very same country that enjoyed Medal of Honor Rising Sun which is ten different kinds of fucked. . ." he trailed off and looked around. He stared at the bodies sprawled everywhere. "Say, weren't there more of you guys around?" Nobody deemed that question worth an answer. "Well shit, I didn't mean to interrupt your every lasting rest." He pushed the door to the stairwell open. "Dicks!"

(:ii:)

"Hey you idiots!" Greaves jerked up and looked around wildly.

"Hello?"

"Can you guys hear me?"

"Yes!" Greaves called. "Is this my epiphany?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" the voice demanded. "I'm down here dumb ass!" Greaves peaked over the edge of the stairwell and saw a red spark very far down there. "Get Asa!"

"Asa!" Greaves called.

"What?" Asa demanded as he appeared in the doorway.

"The spark wants to talk to you," Greaves answered. Asa peaked over the edge of the stairs.

"Who's there?"

"Reinhardt! Get the packs and get down here. We need medical!"

"Who's hurt?"

"The chick!" Reinhardt yelled back. "She took a swing at the Boss."

"Great," Asa grumbled. "Everybody grab the packs!" Asa snatched up his own pack and made his way to the front door. He dug his laser pointed out of his pocket and flashed it at the tower a few times. He saw Kenny's form stagger to the railing. "We're heading down!" Kenny grumbled something and Asa went back into the building.

If he had stayed out a moment longer he would have watched Kenny mindlessly flip over the railing and tumbled to the ground, moaning the entire way down.

Asa grabbed a second pack and pulled it on over his. "Let's get going people." Greaves moved down the stairs first.

"Hey, Asa?" Bowski whispered.

"What?" Asa asked.

"Why do we have that idiot on point?" Bowski asked. "He's ten times more likely to spring a booby trap than any of us."

"Who would you rather have step on a landmine?"

"Ah." A muffled banging caught Asa's attention and he frowned as it grew louder the lower they went until they reached a particular door.

"Hold it," Asa hissed. He glanced at the number printed on the door. "Sub-level thirty-three."

"Boss and squad two are on sub-level thirty-six," Bowski commented. Jalal leaned forward and rested his ear against the door.

"What do you think?" Asa asked.

"Multiple men, dazed or drunk sounds like," Jalal answered. "They aren't talking, just moaning. Maybe they're injured and heard you morons shouting back and forth."

"Ditch the packs," Asa ordered as he pushed both the packs he was carrying over the edge and let them tumble down the rest of the way before unsheathing his shotgun. "Open on three." Jalal tried the doorknob and nodded. "Three!" Jalal whipped open the door and Asa found himself face-to-face with a gray-skinned man with milky white eyes. The man's jaw dropped to reveal bloody broken teeth and Asa pulled the trigger. The man's head exploded and Jalal slammed the door shut.

"Somebody give me something!" Jalal grabbed a zip tie and secured the door as best he could. Somewhere above them another door burst open and moans began to get steadily louder.

"Run!"

(:ii:)

Reinhardt frowned as first squad burst through the door and slammed in shut. "Uh. . .there's no rush really. He just head butted her."

"There are zombies up there!"

"Huh?" Reinhardt asked intelligently. "Zombies? You mean, you guys ran into more stoners up there?"

"Those weren't stoners!" Asa snapped. He looked around. "Holy shit."

"We didn't do this," Reinhardt added helpfully as he waved a hand at the bodies stacked knee high around the floor. "I mean it, this time." Something outside banged ominously on the door leading to the stairwell.

"We have to barricade the door!" Asa snapped.

"Why?" Reinhardt asked. "They're too stoned to open the door and this one opens against them. The harder they press, the more they're fucked."

"Until they break down the door!" Asa snapped. "And they aren't stoned! They're the God damned walking dead!"

"Really?" Reinhardt asked. He glanced around at the rooms he had been throwing stoners into. "Don't open those doors." Asa gawked at him for a long time.

"Whatever. Where's the chick?"

"This way!" Reinhardt cheered as he turned and led the way down the hall to the detention level. "So, are we talking Solanum, Trioxin, or T-Virus?" Asa paused and scratched his chin.

"You know what? That's a really good question."

(:ii:)

"Hey Boss!" Shinji glanced up and saw Reinhardt lead Asa and the rest of first squad into the detention cell. "Asa says they aren't stoners."

"I was just thinking the same thing," Shinji commented as he prodded the man at his feet. Liberated of all four limbs, the man still seemed quite eager to try and bite Shinji. "This is a little extreme even for space coke." Shinji drew his auto and put a round in the man's head. "So, are we talking Solanum, Trioxin, or T-Virus?"

"Well, there has been a distinct lack of witty comments about eating brains," Asa pointed out as he dropped the packs he had been carrying.

"Well, at least that's good," Shinji replied as he holstered his pistol. "If it was Trioxin, we'd be screwed. Of course that also leaves the T-Virus as a possibility which would mean that there are monsters creeping around here."

"Zombies and maybe monsters?" Mao demanded in shock. "That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?"

"Shut up Hudson!" Shinji ordered.

"Mao," Mao corrected.

"What'd I say?"

"Never mind," Mao replied. "We don't have the ammo to take down a base full of zombies! Game over man!"

"We have ammo," Shinji stated as he kneeled and dug a long AK banana clip from one of the dead bodies. "Game not over."

"Game on," Mao agreed, his lips curving into a broad grin.

(:ii:)

Asuka moaned and blinked at the ceiling. "Alright ma'am," a calm voice intoned in Esperanto. "Just follow the light." Asuka scowled as a light was shined into her eyes.

"Get that thing away from me," she snarled.

"You want another lump?" the man snarled right back. Asuka obediently followed the light. "No concussion." Another voice cut in and it took Asuka's muddled mind a moment to translate.

"Of course not," the newcomer replied. "I told you, I know exactly what I'm doing." Asuka rolled her head to the side and saw the speaker. It was the man in the Arabic head wrap. As she watched, he reached it and pulled the covering back before kneeling next to her. "You've got a big brass pair lady. Bigger guys than you have taken swings at me."

"They ended up the same way too," the first man stated. "How do you feel?"

"My head hurts," Asuka admitted. "Who are you guys?"

"We're. . .soldiers of fortune," the second man stated. Asuka's vision was clearing rapidly. He was short with hard, sharp features that were only slightly Asian and amused blue eyes. "Somebody hired us to break you out of here and now there are zombies."

"Zombies?" Asuka asked in shock.

"Yep, and I don't mean the Voodoo ones either. We're talking full blow Romero."

"Who?"

"You don't know who Romero is?" the first man asked he was tall and European-looking with harsh features and mismatched green and brown eyes. "Everybody knows Romero. How hard did you hit her Boss?"

"Not that hard." Asuka sat up slowly and glanced around the room more fully. Then she vomited.

"That's right," the first man said soothingly. "Let it all out."

"She's an adult who just saw a room full of mutilated bodies, not a little girl with the fucking flu, Asa."

"I knew that," Asa stated.

"Right," the second man stated. "Where are the rest of the zombies?"

"In the stairwell and in a couple of rooms between here and there," someone answered. Asuka looked up and noticed several other men in the room.

"Barricade the stair case door and clear the rooms," the first man ordered. "Frag and clear."

"But you can only destroy zombies with headshots," someone stated.

"Cripple them with the grenades so they can't lunge at you and then shoot them," the man ordered. "Police up all explosives and ammo and post guards at the stairwell door. I also want someone to find the God damned radio room. Get going." The other men filed out and the man turned back to her. "So, who the hell are you that somebody would give us so much money to save?"

"I'm Asuka Sohryu!" Asuka stated proudly.

"Really?" the man asked. "I knew an Asuka Sohryu once. She was this redheaded Kraut bitch." He froze and stared at Asuka for a moment before turning to Asa. "Does she have an accent?"

"Yeah, German."

"Leave it to a Jew to know a German accent," the man commented. Asa glared at him.

"Shinji, implied Holocaust jokes are not funny." Shinji lowered his head.

"Sorry." Asuka gawked at the man in shock.

"Shinji Ikari?" He nodded. "You asshole!" He dodged easily as she jumped at him and sent her slamming into the wall rather hard.

(:ii:)

Shinji watched as the redhead slid to the ground. "Well, that solves that problem."

"Yeah," Asa agreed. Shinji shrugged off his chest harness and grabbed his pack. He hunted through it until he found a box of 10mm rounds and began reloading his emptied pistol magazine. "So, do you have a plan?"

"Well, obviously we have to follow UN procedures," Shinji stated as he unbuttoned his BDU blouse and stuffed it into his pack.

"You do know what the procedures for this kind of thing is, right?"

"It's the Hammerdown protocol," Shinji stated. "Guess we should be far away when that happens."

"You think the terrorists would have kept the Russian's radios working?" Asa asked.

"Hoping. Go help them look. You're the Com expert."

"Got it Boss," Asa replied before walking out. A moan caught Shinji's attention and he turned to see that Asuka was waking up again.

"Suppose you're going to blame me for that one too," Shinji commented.

"You bastard!" the redhead snapped.

"Do I need to knock you out again?" Shinji asked, holding up one gloved fist.

"I'm good," Asuka replied quickly. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Saving your dumb ass," Shinji stated. "What kind of stupid mother fucker sends an aggressive woman to deal with extremist Muslims?"

"Your father," Asuka shot back. She frowned as she thought of his questions. "That does seem like a bad idea, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Shinji stated. Asuka stared at him.

"When did you become a mercenary?"

"A couple years ago," Shinji stated. "Its fun and the pay can be pretty good." The door banged open. "What's wrong Paulsen?"

"There must be hundreds of them," Paulsen stated. "The door can't hold them and there's nothing we can really do. All we're doing it piling shit against the door, but that won't hold them for long."

"Fuck," Shinji growled.

"Hold who?" Asuka asked. "The terrorists?"

"Kind of," Shinji replied as he pulled his plate carrier back on. "How are our prospects on escaping?"

"Not so good," Paulsen stated. "Apparently, there aren't too many terrorist elevator mechanics. Imagine that."

"What about the elevator shafts?" Shinji asked.

"The ladders are rusted through," Paulsen stated. "There's no way we can climb them."

"Great," Shinji growled. The door banged open again. "Give me good news or I swear to God I'm going to shoot you, Asa."

"Com's up," Asa stated. "Greaves got a hold of a MAGTAF from somewhere and he's got them convinced that we're a UN special operations group in need of immediate pickup."

"ETA?"

"Two hours," Asa stated. "I'm putting in a call to the Security Council now and report the situation."

"Tell them to give us four hours," Shinji ordered.

"Roger that, Boss,' Asa reported as he walked out again.

"Please tell me you've got an escape plan," Paulsen stated.

"Working on it," Shinji stated. "Why don't you go have a look around."

"On it, Boss."

(:ii:)

Asuka stared at the man in shock. "Always a little hitch, you know?"

"I guess," Asuka replied. Shinji tugged up the sleeves of his T-shirt and Asuka eyed the revealed tattoos. "When did you get those?"

"A while ago," Shinji replied. "People kind of expect things when they hire mercenaries."

"I thought you guys preferred the term contractor," Asuka pointed out.

"We're mercenaries," Shinji stated. "PMCs draw a line, we don't. That's why we can make some good money when we get work."

"Don't you have to have military background to be a mercenary?" Asuka pressed.

"I do," Shinji stated. "Airborne for about ten years before I met up with another merc who brought me over to the private sector. I've been running privately-funded Spec Ops for a few years now."

"Who needs private special forces?" Asuka asked.

"Job's kind of based around privacy, you know?" Shinji asked. "Just know that we don't usually have dry spells. As a matter of fact, we just finished a job in Africa that kept us running for a few months." Shinji wrapped his headdress around his throat like a bandanna and began checking through the pouches on his chest before drawing a long. The door opened.

"The SC is good to go," the man reported. "I had to run up the ladder through a few peons, but they're bringing down the Wrath of God on this place?"

"What?" Asuka asked.

"It's called the Hammerdown protocol," Shinji stated. "They're going to glass this place."

"Why?"

"Zombies," Shinji stated. Asuka stared at him.

"Mao and Reinhardt found something too," the man stated. "They want you to have a look."

"Alright." He turned back to Asuka. "That's Asa. He's my number two."

"Nice to meet you," the man offered as he held out his hand. Asuka shook it carefully.

"Let's go folks." Asuka fell into step behind Asa and Shinji as they stepped out into the hallway. If she had anything left in her stomach, she would have vomited again.

"Please do note, we didn't do this," Shinji pointed out helpfully as he slung his rifle's sling over his shoulder. An explosion shook the ground and was quickly followed by several gunshots. Shinji paused next to a man who was counting rifle magazines. "How goes it, Jalal?"

"Got about two hundred loaded 47 mags," Jalal reported. "About half the rooms are clear, including the ones that Reinhardt was throwing them in."

"That boy's almost as stupid as Greaves," Shinji commented.

"You brought him in sir," Jalal pointed out. They continued down the hall and Asuka frowned as she noticed two men piling odds and ends in front of a door.

"How's it going?" Shinji asked.

"Not great," one of the men stated. "The door has begun splintering and we can't anchor any of this crap down, so our best hope it just to pile enough that they can't shove it out of the way too fast."

"Fine." Asa led them into a large room over looking a deep pit. "I thought we were on the bottom level."

"The bottom accessible by the main stairwell or by elevator," Asa stated as he opened a door. "We haven't found the power switch yet."

"Fine," Shinji replied as he tugged out a flashlight and led the way into the darkness. "Mao?

"Here Boss," a voice called. Asuka saw a flashlight turn their way. Shinji turned his own flashlight upwards and whistled. "Straight shot to the surface."

"Can we get up there?"

"We can, but the silo cap is rusted shut," Mao reported. Shinji sighed.

"Fuck. What would Brian Boitano do?"

"If he were here today?" Mao asked. Shinji nodded. "He'd make a plan and he'd carry through. That's what Brian Boitano would do!"

"Yeah," Shinji agreed as he eyed the silo's soul occupant. "Why'd they leave a missile behind?"

"Nuclear payload is gone Boss," another man stated.

"Missile still working, Reinhardt?"

"I don't know," Reinhardt stated. "Anti-tank missiles are more my speed. Why?"

"Get Greaves in here to see if it can be prepped for launch," Shinji ordered.

"You want the retard to fix the nuke?"

"It's not a nuke no more."

"The boy has caused explosions when we locked him in the galley!" Reinhardt snapped. "He's an American for God's sake!"

"I'll get him," Shinji growled. "Let's go Asuka."

"Right." Asuka followed after the light.

"How many men do you have here?"

"Eight not counting me," Shinji replied. "Our sniper is top side providing security. Everyone else is trapped down here."

"By the zombies?"

"Yup."

(:ii:)

Paulsen frowned as the door creaked ominously. "That's not going to hold them for long, is it?" Greaves asked.

"Nope," Paulsen stated.

"Greaves!" They both turned and saw Shinji approaching with the redhead from before. "Go to missile control. Jalal take his place."

"Right," Jalal replied as he climbed to his feet. "We've finished sweeping the floor. It's clear."

"Good," Shinji replied. "I'll see about distributing the remaining ammo. You think radios will work down here if we're on the same floor?"

"Radio waves bounce," Paulsen replied with a shrug.

"Okay." Shinji squeezed his push to talk button. "This is Ikari. Sweep and clear teams report to the main staircase." It only too a few minutes for the rest of the team to appear.

"What's up Boss?" Bowski asked.

"I want you guys to make fall back points," Shinji ordered. "One every five meters on alternating sides of the hallway all the way to missile control."

"Shinji!" Paulsen spun and saw a bisected corpse clutching the redhead's legs. Shinji's pistol discharged as everyone else raised their own.

"That's why I'm the boss, yes?"

"Yeah," Bowski replied. Shinji hauled the redhead back to her feet.

"Didn't get bit, did you?"

"I'm good," the redhead replied. She looked terrified. "Th-th-th-that was a. . ."

". . .zombie," Shinji finished. "Yeah. We told you." The redhead swooned and Shinji caught her. "I though you morons said this place was clear!"

"It was," Paulsen stated as he eyed the trail of miscellaneous fluids leading from a pile of bodies to the corpse. "He was buried under his buddies." Shinji stared at the piles of bodies.

"Shit. We don't have enough air down here to torch them. Keep your eyes open."

(:ii:)

Asuka moaned as her head throbbed. "You know, you're actually a lot less trouble when you're unconscious." Asuka's vision cleared and she stared at Shinji.

"Was that really a. . .a. . .a. . ."

"Yeah," Shinji replied. Something flare brilliantly nearby and Asuka nearly leapt out of her skin as she went from lying on the floor to clutching Shinji for all she was worth.

"That was a big one," Shinji commented, completely nonplussed by either the flash of light or Asuka's sudden grip. "You alright Greaves?"

"I think he's receiving signals from the mother ship now," Mao called back as he appeared from the dark. "He says not to worry, this is how it turns out whenever he works with electricity."

"So, maybe he hasn't always been an idiot," Shinji commented. There was another burst of light.

"Am I interrupting something?" Mao asked.

"Nope," Shinji replied as he tried to disengage Asuka's stranglehold. "How's it going Greaves?"

"My progress on this assigned task is adequate," Greaves stated in what, Shinji though, sounded suspiciously like a British accent.

"What?" Shinji demanded. There was another bright flash of light.

"I are doing good!" Greaves cheered.

"Oh, good," Shinji commented to Mao. "For a moment there, I was kind of freaked out."

"He's been doing that every couple of minutes," Mao stated. "He really freaked me out when he started speaking Latin for a while. I ended up pistol whipping him for that."

"How long was he out?" Shinji asked.

"About ten minutes," Mao stated. "Then he started speaking French. I think I hit him a little harder for that. He was out for about thirty minutes."

"But, we were just here!" Asuka insisted.

"You've been out almost an hour," Shinji corrected. "Guess not everybody is ready to run into zombies."

"You act like this is normal!" Asuka shrieked. "They're dead!"

"It is normal, for us," Shinji stated. "Got to tell you, on a scale of one to fuck, zombies are about a zero." He glanced at Mao. "Remember that werewolf in Val Verde?" Mao groaned and massaged his temples.

"How could I forget?" he wondered. "That bitch chased me for two hours. I collapsed after you guys finally killed it."

"Yeah. She liked you."

"I think she got a little pissed when she found out that I was a man and she was smelling my dog in heat," Mao commented.

"Ah, lesbian werewolves, the things that make you just walk away shaking your head," Shinji reminisced. "What happened to that dog?"

"Gave it to my sister," Mao stated.

"Come on, the odds of being hunted down by a butch lesbo werewolf are. . ."

"Once in my lifetime was once way too fucking much," Mao stated. There was another burst of light and Greaves began sputtering something.

"What'd he say?"

"Something in Mandarin," Mao stated. "I didn't know he knew Mandarin, let alone how to describe doing that so eloquently and I'm serious, am I interrupting something." Asuka frowned as she noticed that she was still latched on to Shinji. "It's just weird to see you with a woman you aren't going after."

"Yeah, that is kind of weird," Shinji agreed.

"Boss!" Shinji jerked upright, his hand pressing his ear bud tighter to his ear. "They're coming!"

"Fuck," Shinji sputtered as he checked his watch. "Take your positions! I'm on my way to you. How much longer Greaves?"

"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not an ICBM technician!" Shinji froze, one foot out the door and one hand on his rifle.

"Huh?"

"I think he finally cooked that squishy walnut he calls a brain," Mao stated. "Time, Bones?"

"Thirty minutes!"

"I can work with thirty minutes."

(:ii:)

"You're telling me that there are thousands of those things out there?" Asuka demanded.

"Yep," Shinji replied.

"Contact!"

"Open fire!" Shinji ordered as he entered the hallway leading to the stairwell. The zombies had managed to crash through the door and were staggering towards the first combat point. "Know how to use this?" Shinji asked, digging a tiny Glock 10mm out of his pocket.

"Yeah," Asuka replied as she took the pistol and checked it professionally. At the first fall back point, Asa and Bowski had opened fire. Shinji watched, with some pride, as the two men swept their weapons across the advancing hoard, dropping zombies with ease. They kept it up until the horde was within two meters.

"Falling back!" Asa roared.

"Fire!" Paulsen and Reinhardt both opened fire as Asa and Bowski ran back to their next post. Shinji himself took his post next to Jalal. "Falling back!"

"Fire!" Shinji yelled as he raised his rifle and set his scope's red dot on his first target's face and pulled the trigger. From there it was just going through the motions. "Falling back!"

"Boss!" Shinji froze. "Look who it is!" Shinji turned and saw the red beam of a laser pointer dancing on one of the zombie's.

"Fuck-a-doodle-doo!" Shinji gaped. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"

"How the fuck did that happen?" Asa demanded. "You got drunk again, didn't you?" Kenny's zombie moaned. "You fucking lush! That's it no more Irishman!"

"Yeah," Shinji growled. "You dumb mother fucker! I can't believe you let them catch you! If you weren't dead, I'd kill you!"

"Don't let that stop you," Reinhardt stated. Shinji considered the corpse staggering towards him.

"Oh, right." Shinji drew his pistol and put his former teammate down. "Wait, does that mean I killed Kenny?"

"You bastard!"

(:ii:)

"In, in, in, in!" Mao glanced up as the door burst open and Shinji staggered in. "Are we ready?"

"So Greaves said," Mao reported. The moans were getting louder as the rest of the team staggered in, the last men still firing.

"Close that door!"

"Wait! Where's Bowski? Bowski!"

"Here!" Bowski yelled as he slammed the door and secured it with as many zip ties as he could. Shinji made his way to the control panel.

"All clear?"

"All clear Boss," Mao reported. Shinji nodded and began punching in numbers, regardless of the wires sticking out everywhere from their half-assed hotwiring.

"Why isn't it firing?" Shinji asked. Mao growled and picked up a large wrench. He disappeared through the door and a resounding metallic clang rang out before the Chinese soldier reappeared and slammed the door shut.

"Crank it now." Shinji did and the missile roared to life. Shinji grinned as it took off straight up. "This is how we fix things in China!" There was a loud crunch and concrete swept by the window. "Clear!"

"Let's go folks!" Shinji cheered as he tore open the door and led the way into the silo. "Climb, climb, climb, climb!"

"I'm climbing," Asuka growled.

(:ii:)

Asuka pulled herself over the edge of the silo and collapsed on the ground. Her arms and legs were burning. The rest of the team was right behind her. "What's the ETA on our pickup?" A loud droning filled the air.

"Right about now," someone replied. Asuka looked up and saw an old American Osprey hovering overhead. It lowered slowly and touched down gently before a dozen heavily armed Marines poured out.

"Hey guys," Shinji replied. "We're Alpha Two-Niner. Are you our ride?"

"We're Flight 812, your ride sir," the lead Marine replied. "Did you just see that missile?"

"Yeah," Shinji stated. He checked his watch. "Let's go. The further we are from here the better."

"Understood sir," the Marine stated. Asuka followed them into the VTOL transport and leaned back in her seat as the craft lifted into the air.

"And we still have hours before the Hammerdown protocol is enacted," Asa pointed out. "They're going at six."

"Did you tell them to go at six or go in four hours?" Shinji demanded.

"Six," Shinji replied. Shinji frowned and began punching buttons on his watch. "What time zone is the SC HQ in?"

"Ooooh. Time zone differences," Asa groaned. "My bad. Wait a minute! I'm terrified of flying! Nyargh!"

"Thank you," Shinji stated.

"No problem," Reinhardt replied before lying down. "I'm taking a nap. Wake me if we get nuked."

"Right." Shinji finished poking the buttons on his watch and stared at the face of it. "Hit the fucking gas!"

"Sir?" the pilot asked.

"This place is getting nuked!"

"Fuck!" the pilot snapped and the Osprey went into overdrive.

(:ii:)

"We're clear." Shinji sighed in relief. "Thank God that was a burrowing bomb."

"No shit," Asuka replied. "So, where are you going now?"

"Back to Amsterdam," Shinji stated. "I've got a lot of money to blow."

"Yes sir!" Paulsen cheered.

"I've never been there," Asuka commented. "I'm due for some vacation, mind showing me around?"

"How does he do it?" somebody grumbled.

"Are you Ikari, sir?" Shinji glanced up and saw one of the Marines holding a phone.

"Yeah, that's me." He took the phone. "Hello?"

"Good to see you survived." Shinji clamped a hand over the mouthpiece.

"It's Yuki. How the fuck does she always know where I am?"

"That is amazing," Bowski agreed.

"Your wife?" Asuka asked.

"Fuck no," Shinji answered as he took his hand away. "What's up?"

"The Jews called. They want payment in full for the weapons you took. We'll discuss it further later." Shinji sighed and handed the phone back.

"The Jews found out that we stole the SCARs."

"How the fuck did they find out?" Mao demanded.

"I told you, nobody fucks the Jews," Asa growled. Shinji glared at the man.

"Hit him again."

"Nyargh!" Shinji glared at the unconscious man for a moment longer before kicking him in the ribs.

"I vote the payment to the Jews comes out of his part."

"Second."

"Third."

"Fourth."

"Done," Shinji finished.

"And we should tell his mom how many pigs die to fill his belly!" Bowski announced.

"Involving someone's mom?" Shinji asked. "That's a little extreme."

"He cut into our profits," Bowski stated.

"We'll call her as soon as we touch down," Shinji stated as he leaned back and raised an eyebrow when Asuka snuggled up beside him. He glanced across the plane and saw several of his men mouthing the world 'typical.'

"Say, Boss, did anyone check where the missile was aimed at?" Shinji frowned and scratched his jaw.

"We're definitely going to be hearing about that one tomorrow."

(:ii:)

"It has taken many years of toil and effort to bring this proud monument to French spirit back to life!" the French president announced as he stood before the rebuilt Eiffel Tower. A loud whistling filled the air and the man glanced up to see a black dot in the sky rapidly growing larger. The missile hit the rebuilt steel structure and sent the whole thing crashing to the ground. "Fuck!"

"Sir, the microphone is still on," his aide whispered.

"I don't care!" the president screamed. "Fuck! That's it! We're going to war with everyone!"

"But sir!" the general in charge of the French army sputtered. "We can't possibly. . ."

"You're fired!" the president snapped. "Where's the guy in charge of the Foreign Legion?"

"Here sir," General Francis Dubois replied as he stepped forward and 'accidentally' bumped into the other general, sending the man tumbling off the stand.

"War with everyone?" the president demanded.

"When you say everyone. . ."

"Everyone!" the man shrieked. Francis assumed the Fonzie position with both thumbs up.

"Aaay! Good to go. If only Chief were here. He'd love this one!"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, I thought it was funny which is a good enough reason for me to do just about anything. Now go through the whole story again and try to spot every reference to television, movies, and my other stories. Kudos to whoever points them all out, though I doubt anyone will. I can get pretty fucking nerdy with my references. Also, depending on responses, this one might be a part of a series, one of Shinji taking on fictional things. Shinji vs. the Nazi Vampires maybe? Or how about Shinji vs. the French Army?

Anyway, you can thank a B-movie marathon on Sci-Fi Channel for this one. God I love those movies.

Now for this week's bitch session. Yet again, it's Naruto. I let my friend talk me into another anime night and he busted out some of the first one and some of part two. I don't know where he got it, so don't ask. If anything, I dislike Naruto more now than before. As previously stated, I hate the philosophical whining that takes up so much of every episode. I almost prefer Goku wasting three episodes yelling instead of fighting. At least in Dragon Ball Z they don't try to justify the fighting. The fighting just is.

Anyway, this new hatred is pointed at the show's apparent message. That message is, talent wins out over work. That's right, if you aren't naturally gifted, it really doesn't matter how much you train. You'll never be able to beat a naturally gifted person. Case in point, Rock Lee. He has trained harder than anyone else and he never manages to beat any ninja genius he goes up against. Though I still point out that Sasuke whines like a little bitch when his brother broke his arm. Rock Lee gets an arm and a leg broken and he gets knocked the fuck out. Does that stop him? Fuck no!

Then there's also the fact that Sasuke is just too powerful. That fucking eye thing is the most ridiculously over-powered deus ex machina I've ever seen. Why not just make him God? You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to write my own Naruto fanfic. This should be good, or maybe amusing is the better word.

Oh, well. See you guys in a couple of weeks.


End file.
